Fully Alive.

For as long that I can remember I have battled depression, fought and repressed anxiety, and been in constant battle with myself - thus creating my own little personal mental hell. You wouldn't know this unless you knew me really well. You may think you DO know me well - but there are very few people who actually do. I'm careful about who I let in. I like to hide "me". I hide from opening myself up to others, rather well in fact. Those who get too close I often push away. And those who approach me with a genuine interest in knowing me, I frequently attempt to scare off quickly. Some of you persist - and I love you for it... 

Very few people have been allowed to see who I really am. I knew from a very early age that people were cruel, mean and sometimes down right nasty. I had a hard time deciphering between the good ones and the bad ones - at the time. So I simply avoided them all. Now I am better at deciphering, but I still avoid them all. Old habits die hard I suppose.

I do this because my conversations - with everyone - inevitably turn to my weight and how I need to lose some of it because it most certainly can't be good for me. You're just concerned for me... right? Like being overweight is a death sentence. (contrary to popular opinion - it's not. fat people live to ripe old ages too. skinny people become diabetics, people who are slim also have knee replacements, hip replacements and any other ailment that is commonly termed a "fat disease".) I've only had two friends in my life who didn't try to change me - but gently encouraged me to be the best person I could be. Two. 

This past weekend I asked myself a very important question... At what point in my life did I allow someone else's opinion of me to outweigh my own? And who was this person anyway? I can't even remember - I don't know if the person ever even existed or if it was just "society as a whole" that I felt was against me. Because they are. Fat people are second class citizens. We get judged before we say a word. We are labeled as undisciplined, stupid and just plain lazy. But I realized that I actually really like who I am - so why on earth am I hiding? Why am I allowing other people to dictate my happiness?

It mostly has to do with my weight. 

Well let me tell you a little story... I've been fat all my life. That's right - I said FAT. We all need to stop being so scared of that word. It is arguably one of the most taboo words in American culture. No one wants to ever become that dreaded word - fat. 

"Ohhhh my GAWD I ate a cupcake! I better do an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill!"


No. Eat your goddam cupcake and don't apologize for it.

Hey... everyone?

Fat isn't a bad word - it's a descriptive word. Like tall, fair, sharp and new. I reject society's attitude toward me and all the other fat people in the world. I realize that I've managed to put off basically everything important in life until I "lost some weight" because everyone always told me I wouldn't be able to do anything until I "got some of that weight off..."

Hey - guess what... I've accomplished quite a lot with all this extra weight on and I'm not going to keep waiting to live my life until I reach some unrealistic ideal of myself. 32 years is long enough to wait. I've always been fat, I've never been skinny - but what I have always been is HEALTHY. All of my vitals are normal, I am not a diabetic, or even a borderline diabetic.

"You'd be such a pretty girl if you just lost a little weight...." I can't tell you how many times I've heard this through-out my life. Guess what... I'm a pretty woman now. And a few extra pounds doesn't change that.

I can't even really pinpoint the time in my life at which this disordered thinking started. But for some reason last weekend it really hit me like a brick to the head that I was being my own worst enemy. Why on earth would I treat myself that way?


After much pondering and introspection - I have decided that I don't care anymore.

Today I end a lifelong battle with myself. Not in the future when I fit into smaller clothes. Not when I finally have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect living situation and the perfect family. I start living for me today. Today I start being comfortable in my own skin. I don't remember a time when I wasn't on a diet or planning my next diet. 


Where has it gotten me?

Nowhere but fatter.

So I quit. Today I embrace me. The good AND the bad. 


And there's plenty of both...

Who am I?

I'm whiney, messy, moody and can get a little out of control. I can be selfish and I can be overly generous. I hate to clean and cook - unless I'm in the mood for it - and I'm always late for everything. ALWAYS.

I'm creative, brilliant, stylish, beautiful, dedicated, fascinating and excellent at writing things that make you feel... My pluses outweigh my minuses but most people don't wait around to see. They judge the outer package.

Good riddance to all those people. I have finally discovered the truth: I never needed people like you anyway...

 

Just a Little Patience...

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us." ~ Stephen Covey

I like this quote a lot. I read it in yesterday morning's The Daily Love email (which, if you haven't yet - you should sign up for!). It is true. We can't control what others say or do - nor can we control any other outside force in our lives - but we can control how we react to them. How we internalize them and how or if we learn from them. 

I haven't written a good "substance" post recently. I apologize for that. Quite frankly, there hasn't been much of "substance" to report. Life is... well - life. And I am dealing with it as well as I possibly can.

Sometimes things in our lives aren't as we would desire them to be - and in that very moment we don't have the power to change them. All we can do is take the steps we are able to take toward bettering our situations. We don't get to jump ahead in the process. Change sometimes take quite some time and doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes, it does happen overnight. I unfortunately, have not been that lucky. I keep taking steps forward and dealing with the present and my reality right now as best I can. I believe that as I keep working toward my goals, they will be reached - and exceeded.

But there's this little thing called "patience" that we need in order to make it through the times in our lives like these, I have patience but not for this. I am patient with my clients at work, I am patient with my friends, but when it comes to things in my life that directly affect me, I want what I want when I want it! 

But I'm working on it... And I continue to be a work in progress...

I'm certain this all sounds rather opaque to you all. I can't really explain it right now - but soon you'll be updated on my life in full, I promise :)

What are your personal strengths? Is patience one of your many virtues? 

I can't seem to get enough of Christina Perri lately. I purchased her latest album from iTunes and have it playing constantly it seems. I'm totally loving this song right now...



If you're a Twilight fan (I'm not, particularly - my sister FORCES me to watch ;) watch this version:

"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

That is my favorite quote from my favorite movie - Steel Magnolias. If you haven't seen it, it's most definitely worth watching.

I'm certain that you will all think I am bi-polar after the rosiness of my last post - and now this one.

I may be bi-polar. But if I am - I have yet to be diagnosed. And I think it would just be putting a label and a "band-aid" of medication on a disease known as "life sucks".

My whole year has been filled with epic ups and downs. Today I have the tears - with no laughter breaking through to balance it out. Perhaps the laughter will come tomorrow...


 
 

Have You Ever Felt...

Like there was a person in your life that you just couldn't please, no matter how hard you tried? 
Do you just make yourself sick over trying to meet their "expectations" but still fall short and end up making it worse because you've over-extended yourself? 
Do you walk around on eggshells and make yourself crazy over it? 
I do...

{cred}

This person happens to be not only my boss - but my friend. 

She was my friend before becoming my boss - and I'm afraid that the work relationship has effectively ruined the friendship. 

Which is rather unfortunate... 

But from this point on I've decided that I will do what's right, as she's made it clear that our friendship isn't as highly valuable to her as her position within our company. 
I've lost far too much sleep - and I'm not quitting MY job over her. 
But from this point on I am going to let it go.
She can "expect" whatever she wants. Her "expectations" and her ideals exceed reality - and when your expectations exceed reality, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. And that? That's just real.

{cred}

Wine Induced Blogging - That's Always a Good Idea, Right?

Hellooooo Lovelies!
(I'm not that drunk, it just made for a good title.)
I haven't written a post of substance as of late so I thought perhaps I should sit down with this blog for a while. I've been spending mucho time over here - as that's where my energies have been concentrated.
Here's an update on how life has been going for me lately:
My hockey team was eliminated from the playoffs Wednesday night. Thanks for the well wishes. They just couldn't find it within them to pull out a win. 
Not. A. Single. Solitary. One. (in the playoffs)

I don't know if it's just that those are my boys, my team... Or if it's that we don't know if they'll be back or not next season. But they look like the most heart broken group of guys I've ever seen. And it's breaks my heart even more than the loss. We've all been through a lot the past 2 years and for all of our sakes, I hope it comes to a resolution this summer. For better or for worse, I want it resolved. I don't want the team or the fans having to endure another season of uncertainty.

Images From Life.com

JUST LOOK AT THEM! Isn't that terrible?!? UGH! 

But that's enough about that...

I've not been feeling too spectacular this week. Not just because of our crappy playoff run. I'm tired of having to be to work at 4:00am. But I am also not having any luck finding a new job. I'm exhausted and I don't know how much longer I can deal with 4:00am start times. And 6 days a week once a month - twice this month. It used to be a lot worse - I used to have to work 6 days a week every week. I think I still have not recovered from that. I'm not a work-a-holic. In fact, I'd be a work-not-at-all'er if I could pull it off. I have so many other things I could be doing all day... I work with heroin addicts and I am fairly certain that it is the most thankless job on the planet. Luckily I have a boss who is exceptionally appreciative - but I only see her once a week. I see my clients daily. 

For those who have never worked in the social services, substance abuse, etc industries before, it is exceptionally draining. I haven't had a raise in the 3 years that I've worked there and I can't even afford the health insurance that they offer on my salary. 

How's that for giving back to those who actually care about other people for a living? 

I'm struggling right now to find my balance. I seem to have completely lost where I want to go in life and if I am even on the path that will get me there.