Fully Alive.

For as long that I can remember I have battled depression, fought and repressed anxiety, and been in constant battle with myself - thus creating my own little personal mental hell. You wouldn't know this unless you knew me really well. You may think you DO know me well - but there are very few people who actually do. I'm careful about who I let in. I like to hide "me". I hide from opening myself up to others, rather well in fact. Those who get too close I often push away. And those who approach me with a genuine interest in knowing me, I frequently attempt to scare off quickly. Some of you persist - and I love you for it... 

Very few people have been allowed to see who I really am. I knew from a very early age that people were cruel, mean and sometimes down right nasty. I had a hard time deciphering between the good ones and the bad ones - at the time. So I simply avoided them all. Now I am better at deciphering, but I still avoid them all. Old habits die hard I suppose.

I do this because my conversations - with everyone - inevitably turn to my weight and how I need to lose some of it because it most certainly can't be good for me. You're just concerned for me... right? Like being overweight is a death sentence. (contrary to popular opinion - it's not. fat people live to ripe old ages too. skinny people become diabetics, people who are slim also have knee replacements, hip replacements and any other ailment that is commonly termed a "fat disease".) I've only had two friends in my life who didn't try to change me - but gently encouraged me to be the best person I could be. Two. 

This past weekend I asked myself a very important question... At what point in my life did I allow someone else's opinion of me to outweigh my own? And who was this person anyway? I can't even remember - I don't know if the person ever even existed or if it was just "society as a whole" that I felt was against me. Because they are. Fat people are second class citizens. We get judged before we say a word. We are labeled as undisciplined, stupid and just plain lazy. But I realized that I actually really like who I am - so why on earth am I hiding? Why am I allowing other people to dictate my happiness?

It mostly has to do with my weight. 

Well let me tell you a little story... I've been fat all my life. That's right - I said FAT. We all need to stop being so scared of that word. It is arguably one of the most taboo words in American culture. No one wants to ever become that dreaded word - fat. 

"Ohhhh my GAWD I ate a cupcake! I better do an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill!"


No. Eat your goddam cupcake and don't apologize for it.

Hey... everyone?

Fat isn't a bad word - it's a descriptive word. Like tall, fair, sharp and new. I reject society's attitude toward me and all the other fat people in the world. I realize that I've managed to put off basically everything important in life until I "lost some weight" because everyone always told me I wouldn't be able to do anything until I "got some of that weight off..."

Hey - guess what... I've accomplished quite a lot with all this extra weight on and I'm not going to keep waiting to live my life until I reach some unrealistic ideal of myself. 32 years is long enough to wait. I've always been fat, I've never been skinny - but what I have always been is HEALTHY. All of my vitals are normal, I am not a diabetic, or even a borderline diabetic.

"You'd be such a pretty girl if you just lost a little weight...." I can't tell you how many times I've heard this through-out my life. Guess what... I'm a pretty woman now. And a few extra pounds doesn't change that.

I can't even really pinpoint the time in my life at which this disordered thinking started. But for some reason last weekend it really hit me like a brick to the head that I was being my own worst enemy. Why on earth would I treat myself that way?


After much pondering and introspection - I have decided that I don't care anymore.

Today I end a lifelong battle with myself. Not in the future when I fit into smaller clothes. Not when I finally have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect living situation and the perfect family. I start living for me today. Today I start being comfortable in my own skin. I don't remember a time when I wasn't on a diet or planning my next diet. 


Where has it gotten me?

Nowhere but fatter.

So I quit. Today I embrace me. The good AND the bad. 


And there's plenty of both...

Who am I?

I'm whiney, messy, moody and can get a little out of control. I can be selfish and I can be overly generous. I hate to clean and cook - unless I'm in the mood for it - and I'm always late for everything. ALWAYS.

I'm creative, brilliant, stylish, beautiful, dedicated, fascinating and excellent at writing things that make you feel... My pluses outweigh my minuses but most people don't wait around to see. They judge the outer package.

Good riddance to all those people. I have finally discovered the truth: I never needed people like you anyway...

 

Monday, GF Bakery & Music For The Morning!

Good Monday Morning Lovies!

{via}

How was your weekend? I hope you all had a wonderful Father's Day weekend with the fam. I took Pops out to a Greek restaurant for his Father's Day dinner - he's a big fan of gyros.

I had a rather adventurous weekend - I traveled over to Scottsdale to check out the Gluten Free Creations Bakery and it was fabulous! I picked up a few gluten free goodies while I was there!

I have to admit - those were the best gosh darn donuts I've EVER HAD! Of any variety. Even the Apple Fritters and Bear Claws can't beat them! (and we all remember how much I love Apple Fritters and Bear Claws, don't we?) 

It was a great experience - we had lunch in their cafe, awesome gluten free Philly cheesesteaks and kettle chips. Delicious! Pops even enjoyed it. Sorry, I wasn't able to get any pics of the cheesesteaks - my phone died after traipsing around Whole Foods for 2 hours (not kidding...). It takes a great amount of time and effort to read through all of the labels and ensure that there's no hidden gluten in all those foods. 

Speaking of gluten - I went to my doctor last week and told her about what I've been experiencing. Confirmation: yep. I'm gluten intolerant. I waited for her to give me some magical diet that would help me avoid all gluten, but she just smiled and wished me luck. "It's very hard, you have to read the labels closely." Thank you, Dr. Obvious! 

But the good news is that Dr. Obvious says I've lost 20 pounds since the last time I was in to see her. Which was about 6 months ago. 20 pounds in six months isn't really monumental - but she was happy with it and therefore, so am I! At one point I was down 30 pounds, but had to tweak things a bit and gained some of it back. I'm a work in progress. 

If you're interested in the gory details of my weight loss journey, you can follow my new(ish) blog about it here. I like to keep the weight loss stuff to a minimum here. 

So - that's about all the excitement I have to report at the moment - enjoy your week Lovies!!!

Here's a fun little catchy tune to get your Monday started...

Music For The Morning - Monday, Back To The Grind...

Disturbia... I love this song - and I think I live there. (here?)

Monday Hops:



It's also time for Monday's Music Moves Me! I hope you'll take a moment to link up and share YOUR favorite songs with us! 
And last but not least - I have started a weight loss blog. I debated as to whether or not I wanted to publicly put it out there on this blog - and have finally decided that yes, I want to! It's a bit more hardcore than this blog - it's raw, uncut and brutally honest - and it's precisely what I'll need to keep up with my weight loss goals. 
If you are interested in following along on my weight loss journey - I invite you over to the new blog as I will not be posting updates here too often. I'd love to have your feedback and support! Just click on the logo below :) 

I'm frustrated...

and fed up... and pissed off... and hopeless... and helpless... and just f'n DONE with this whole mess right now.

{bing images}

And I want to go to that Mexican restaurant at Westgate and pig out on their lunch buffet IMMEDIATELY! I want cheese enchiladas, rice, beans, chimichangas, flan and some goddam DEEP FRIED ICE CREAM. 
I'm gonna need someone to talk me out of this please.... 

{from bing images}

Well I Guess I'll Talk More About The Diet...

As I told you in a previous post - I've started a new diet. I was debating as to whether or not I'd share the details of said diet with you here on the blog. I didn't want this to become a "Diet Blog". But with the success I've experienced on this diet in just a week - and the numerous requests I've gotten from you lovely readers and Tweeters - I've decided to share with you my progress and a little bit more about the diet I am on every now and then. 
I started this diet last Wednesday. In 9 days I've dropped 13.7 pounds! Now - before you get all excited about that - I have a lot of weight to lose. And prior to starting this diet I was eating HORRIBLY. We're talking apple fritters, (I told you they'd end up being trouble), huge Bear Claws stuffed with cinnamon sugar and butter, deep fried anything and well... just pretty much anything I wanted. I've been on so many diets in the past I had gotten to the point where I was resigned to my fate: I was going to be fat for the rest of my life. With every new diet came temporary weight loss - then regain and then some. I was also going to be single and childless - because no one (at least no one I'd actually WANT to date) wanted to date me. I've never been willing to compromise my standards - and dating is probably the biggest one I won't compromise on. I don't feel the need to be in a relationship to make me "whole". I like the person I am quite a lot. Anyway - to read more about my life as a fat person, you can read this post. I'll move on here...
The Diet:Inspired by a blogging buddy and her recent adventures in dieting, I decided to look into a diet she'd mentioned. It's called the 4 Hour Diet - or the slow carb diet. There wasn't much on the interwebs about it so I purchased the book from Amazon and got to reading. It also contains some information on "becoming super human" and "having the best sex of your life" - or something of that nature. Neither of which interest me at the moment. I am not having sex with anyone nor do I care to be super human. Regardless... I bought the book and set a date to start the diet.
What Do You Have To Do?Well - instead of trying to relay all the information to you from the book - I'll give you The Belle's Condensed Version (not to be confused with the Reader's Digest Condensed version). I have tweaked a few things in the diet to suit me - so I can't exactly say I've followed it 100%. But here's the main things I'm doing.

• NO WHITE CARBS: For six days a week I am restricted to eating nothing but low carb veggies, organic, grass fed meat and beans. (I've discovered that I actually enjoy lentils quite a bit...) You have to stay away from most dairy products, hormone filled meats and anything processed or starchy. Beans contain carbs - but they are processed slowly and therefore provide energy for you and help you feel fuller longer.

• NO FRUIT: This may be a hard pill for some people to swallow. Fruit is good for us right? Sure - but it's also full of sugar and spikes up our insulin levels - which screws up our weight loss. 

• A typical day for me looks something like this: Breakfast: egg whites, spinach, black beans and a little (cilantro free) organic salsa. Lunch may be a "taco salad" with only refried beans, chicken, lettuce and a small dab of sour cream. Dinner may be grass-fed steak, organically grown asparagus and organically grown lentils and onions (which - come to find out - is DELICIOUS!!!) I can eat as much of these foods at meals as I want. I am finding now however, that my appetite is starting to suppress and the addition of beans to every meal has helped me to stay full. My first few days on this diet caused... how shall I put this... a lot of gastrointestinal distress... But I'm happy to say that is no longer an issue. But if it does become an issue - Beano Meltaways are my friends. I'm also allowed 2 glasses of red wine per day - which makes me happy... :)
• I have one cheat day per week. This is what drew me to the 4 Hour Diet in the first place: A cheat day. You can eat however much of anything you want. ANYTHING! Nothing is off limits on this day! For my first cheat day, I had 2 of those large cinnamon sugar and butter filled bear claws - one for breakfast and one for lunch - orange juice and spaghetti with meatballs and cheese sticks for dinner. I felt HORRIBLE all day! I actually welcomed my breakfast of stinky egg whites, spinach and black beans with a touch of salsa the next morning! However, the cheat day is necessary to spike your insulin levels once a week so that the weight loss starts all over again when you start the diet back the next day. It sort of tricks your body into losing weight, I guess you could say.
• I take supplements. Lots of supplements. The book recommends what is referred to as the PAGG Stack. This consists of Policosanol, alpha liopic acid, garlic tablets, Green Tea Extract & Vitamin B Complex. I take those daily. In addition - I take a high quality daily multi-vitamin, a high grade fish oil supplement and a pro-biotic to aid in digestion (this is what has helped with the gastrointestinal distress I mentioned above.) I also take Organic, Extra-Virgin Unrefined Coconut Oil tablets 3 times daily as well. This is in addition to the coconut oil I incorporate into my daily diet anyway - just to make sure I'm getting enough. 
• I don't exercise. At this point, I'm not able to. I'm dealing with some heel spurs that limit my mobility greatly. I do intend to incorporate this into my daily routine once the heel spurs start feeling better - which should happen now that the weight is melting off. 

So that's the gist of what I'm doing right now that has gotten off 13.7 pounds in 9 days. It's likely that this rate of weight loss will not continue. That's ok. It's a huge motivator for me right now though, so I hope it at least continues at a steady pace. This diet may or may not work for you - I think everybody is different and we all have to search and find what works best for us. Some people can't stand the thought of giving up fruit. I'm not a huge fan of fruit anyway... Some people freak out at the thought of giving up milk and other dairy products... Milk upsets my stomach anyway so it's not that big of a deal for me either. I can have a little organic butter with my food. So that helps. 

It's hard to sit there with my lentils, my steak and my asparagus and watch family and friends devour baked potatoes dripping in butter, pizza covered in pepperoni and cheese, cake, cookies, pretzels with nacho cheese, french fries, burritos, etc... Each time I have to I get angry... and then I just keep eating. I make a mental note to have that on my "cheat day" and then I finish my dinner. By the time I step away from the table I'm feeling better and satisfied. I had to realize that just because I had to be on a diet, I couldn't expect everyone else to eat what I eat too. No one is going to do this for me and it's no one's fault but my own if I give in to temptation. 

So... what to you think peeps? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this diet. 

Now Let's Get Into Some Weekend Hopping!!!

The Diet....

Since starting this blog I've contemplated whether or not I would share with you my adventures in weight loss. There have been so many adventures... All of which work temporarily - but I always end up gaining back even more weight. You've heard it a million times right? There should be a Yo-Yo Dieters Anonymous. Seems to work for alcoholics. 

In no way did I want this to be a weight loss blog - and I still don't. My weight doesn't define me. But it does affect me. It affects who I date, it affects a person's first impressions of me, it even affects my career. In many ways. 

People aren't supposed to discriminate right? Well, they do. You won't ever change that. I don't have a problem with me but far too many other people do. 

*cue "It doesn't matter what people think of you" speech.* 

Yes, it really does matter what others think of you.

Other people can choose not to hire you. Other people can choose to treat you poorly. Other people can choose others to date instead of you. Some people will think certain things about you simply because of your weight - which can lead them to do many other things. Other people can make your life miserable. 

People who haven't dealt with a serious weight problem most of their lives will likely try to argue this point with me vehemently. My advice to them would be thus: Put on a 400 pound fat suit and try to live your life normally for the next week. (And NO I don't weigh 400 pounds!) Go to job interviews, go on dates, go out to dinner, go shopping, go to clubs. See what happens and then come back and argue with me. You might not need more than a day of this before you'll begin to understand.... The world is completely different when you are *gasp* considered to be amongst the dreaded morbidly obese population.

You see - I am a lover of food. I like to eat it. All different kinds of it. It's always there. If I need it, there's always some place I can run to and get it. Hell, I can even get it without having to get out of my car. You can't even get toilet paper at a drive through - yet.... 

I don't consider myself an emotional eater - but perhaps I just don't see it. At least... that's what my shrink said... 

I go places specifically for the food ie: weddings, receptions, baby showers, the fair, certain parts of town, etc... Honestly - I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than go to someone's wedding shower. I hate wedding showers. But if they've got good food.... 

I've not found much in life more gratifying, satisfying and any other word ending in -ing you can think of - than food. From the spinach chicken enchilada's and handmade tortilla chips at Aunt Chilada's to the grilled artichokes and chocolate soufflé at The Yardhouse. It's readily available, affordable and always happy to see me. I'd love shopping if I had money to keep up with my champagne tastes on my beer budget. Food is far more affordable. Even the most expensive restaurants are more affordable than that Louis Vuitton bag I want. People are finicky, back-stabbing and cruel. Food has no issues with you. 

I could go on and on... but I'll spare you.... heh. 

Back to the blog post thing: The Diet... I'm starting a new one. I'm probably not going to tell you how much I weigh, I'm probably not going to share my measurements with you. Heck, I'm probably not even going to tell you right now which diet I'm doing. I don't want to jinx it... 

Sometimes we just need a little extra motivation to get us where we want to go in life. Sometimes we need a swift kick in the pants. I kinda got both... 

The extra motivation: Hawaii this summer. 

The swift kick in the pants: heel spurs and back problems that won't go away. 

The Fix: Lose weight. 

Duh... 

My favorite thing about doctors is that they all think they are telling me something new. Each and every one of them. Like I woke up this morning and viola! All this weight just appeared! Let me share with you some of the suave ways my various physicians of the past have broken this devastating news to me:

"You really need to think about losing some weight."

Thank you Captain Obvious! 

"Well I'm not saying that you have heel spurs and back problems because your overweight... but it would help if you lost some weight." 

Well, Little Miss Doctor Lady... That's easy for YOU to say. Skinny bitch. (I didn't say it - but I thought it. & for the record - I have nothing against skinny people... other than their metabolisms :)

 "You're never gonna lose that weight without surgery. You need surgery now."

Because people don't do it everyday. Jerk.

"You are SUCH a beautiful girl! If you lost that weight you'd be an absolute knock-out!" 

o.O

I had to keep the Diva in me from knocking that certain skinny bitch OUT. If a friend said that to me - I'd get what she was saying. You and I, Dr. Skinny - are not friends. Now give me my xanax and no one gets hurt... 

{photo cred}
I want one... Of those signs that is!

There's a few examples... Those aren't even the worst. So now you know my secret... I'm fat :)