Friday, July 19, 2013

Shamelia

I'd like to introduce you all to the newest member of my family, Shamelia. She's my new purebred Arabian mare. For those of you who have known me for a while, you already know how much I love horses and how the first part of my life was dedicated to them. Well, I'm back. And Shamelia is my new pride and joy!

So without further ado, meet Shamelia....







Shamelia is by S-Shah Bask, out of NV Araddinn. 
Her pedigree reads like a Who's Who of Arabian horses!

Shamelia's full sister Shahamia  (pictured below) is a Canadian Reserve National Champion Mare.

Greatness runs in the family, below is a picture and video of Shamelia's "nephew", Shahamia's son Exclusive Psy.

The nephew in action...

Saturday, May 11, 2013

What a difference a pill makes...



I fought it... I didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. But what a difference being back on anti-depressants has made for me. I look back at some of the things I did and thought while I was off of them and damn... I made bad choices. I did - and especially thought - some things that are completely out of character for me.

I'm happy to report that I am finally out of that depression hole I was in. My life isn't perfect - of course - but it doesn't feel completely hopeless anymore either. The sense of desperation that was haunting me over the state of my life is almost gone, and fading by the day. I no longer feel the urge to do something drastic in an attempt to change my life, like moving to another state. Again. The anxiety I felt about not being where I wanted to be at this point in my life is gone too - and I am able to recognize that I am doing things that will get me where I want to go. It just isn't going to happen overnight. I am fully capable of accomplishing all I want in this life - and I will.

Now it's time to get back to being Me. Strong minded, goal-oriented, always-goes-after-and-gets-what-she-wants Me. I am not depression, I am not anxiety. Those are things I have to deal with, but they don't define Me. I define Me - and I'm wonderful.




Saturday, April 27, 2013

Bleeding Update

I have now been on birth control pills again for two months. The good news is that this past month there were days - almost 2 full weeks even - when I didn't have to wear a pad or tampon. I actually got to go swimming and lay out by my pool without worry for the first time in about a year. That felt amazing!

The first month on BC pills - I still bled throughout the month, though it wasn't as heavy. Then when the period week came I thought I was going to die. Seriously. Not even kidding. I lost 9 pounds in a weekend - which I'm assuming was due to the massive amounts of blood I was losing - because I was eating everything in sight to keep my energy up. And the cramps... oh the cramps! I thought I was in labor for 5 days straight. Granted - I've never been in labor before so I don't know the exact pain comparison, but I'm thinking I have a pretty good idea now. If it feels like someone is ripping your insides out of your body through your lady parts - then I got it. The pain shot down into my legs, it rendered me incapable of movement. I just laid in bed crying and trying to focus on breathing in an attempt to get some sort of control over it. It didn't work...

That was at the end of last month - I'm coming off the end of period week, month two now and it was even worse. The 3 non-period weeks were far better - as I mentioned before. I was never 100% not-bleeding, but it was much, MUCH improved. I started to feel some normalcy re-enter my world this month. I had energy to go places - and actually wanted to go places. Until the period week hit. It has been a complete nightmare. I was rendered incapable of working and had to take an extra day off due to the frequency of bathroom visits and intensity of pain levels. You simply can't do your job when you work at a hospital if you are having to visit the restroom once an hour - or more. You don't get to sit down and rest when a cramp hits. You just have to keep going.

I found myself at my primary care physician's office yesterday morning crying & begging him to let me start the new month of birth control pills 2 days early so that the madness would stop. He said yes. I started them yesterday and today I am starting to feel halfway normal again. I also asked him for a referral to a new OBGYN. I realize that this means I will have to start over again with the tests and such - but there simply must be something my current OBGYN is missing. How can there possibly be no cause for this? So it's time for another opinion, I think. 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Can't there be some happiness for me? Not in Nottingham...

You poor neglected blog readers... I'm sorry for my lack of posts. I'm a terrible blogger, really. I have not been feeling very inspired to write lately. Well that's not entirely true - I've had about a million things that I've wanted to blog about, but haven't really been able to form a coherent paragraph about any of them. My head is a wreck. I have about 10 post drafts that will likely never get posted. As for what's new in my life - everything and nothing. My main concern at the moment is My Moods. That's what this post is all about. I've been holding it in for so long, I just have to let it out...

People ask me why I choose to talk about such terrible topics on my blog. It makes me vulnerable, they say. "What will people think...?" Who cares? They're all crazy in their own little ways too. I've got the guts to talk about my crazy. I think it makes me brave - because I'm willing to tell you, God and everyone else that happens to stumble across this blog the things about me that aren't that pretty. We all have those parts of us. We'd likely be better off for exposing them. I find that talking about not-so-popular topics openly here in this space helps me reach the people out there who have no one to talk to. It helps my loved ones to understand me better - and it helps me to weed out the people in my life who I may value as better friends than they really are. (At least, those that take the time to read my blog, of course.) You see, the Fair Weather People go running when they find out that you have "issues". I am giving those people an easy out.

So here's the disclaimer:
This post is about Depression and other unstable moods. If you don't want to read it, you can just stop right now and move on to the next Facebook half-naked girl photo, blog hop, giveaway or money-saving tips blog post. If you'd prefer to learn a bit about the world from a depressed person's view, I invite you to read on... And if you have something you want to get off YOUR chest, please comment away!

I am moody. This comes as no surprise to those who have spent any large amount of time with me. But it's not the normal type moody everyone experiences. Mine is an entirely different type of moody. As a teenager I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. It only got worse as I grew into adulthood. As I approached my late twenties, an official Anxiety Disorder diagnosis was added into the mix. I have been on and off several anti-depressants and anxiety medications through-out the years. Inevitably, I get to a point where I want to stop taking medications. I stopped taking anti-depressants most recently back in November and have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. This is probably the worst it's ever been - and I've had my fair share of emotional roller coasters. Right now I can feel myself shutting down, I am absolutely no fun to be around. I have to force myself to care enough to go to work everyday.

It takes a continual, conscious, utterly exhausting effort on my part to keep from falling back into the black hole of deep depression. But if you know me, you might not know it. You see, I am brilliant at hiding from people. I spent the first large chunk of my life hiding my moods behind a fake smile. If you aren't paying close attention to what I do or say, you may miss it. I hide it because I don't want to talk about it. My Moods irritate me. I'm Up, I'm Down. One hour, one day, one week or one month I may be Up. It is much easier to do anything when I'm Up. But when the Down comes I move into far more complicated territory. (Hint: If you ever ask me how I'm doing and I say "fine", I'm really not "fine" at all. "Fine" is my code word for "I'm not ok but I'm not going to talk about it unless you make me".)

I am also a disordered eater. When I'm Down I over-eat, when I'm Up I typically under-eat. Working overtime and spending little time at home alone helps counter-act that - but it also contributes to a harder "crash" when the Up runs out. Far too much or far too little - like everything else in my life - food is either far over or under-consumed, depending on my Mood.

Right at this moment I am not exactly close to anyone, by proximity, emotionally, physically or otherwise. I talk to people at work, but I don't really let anyone into my own personal Little World. I don't invite people over - I live so far away from everything and everyone - they wouldn't come anyway. This is by my own design I suppose - even if it was something that I didn't really intend to do. Unconsciously I have spent the past several years blocking people out of my life and trying to deter them from wanting in. I have become somewhat reclusive. People think they know me, but really, they only know what I want them to know about me. And they only know that because I post stuff on Facebook (a lot) and my blogs (sometimes). My nearest friend - proximity wise - is at least 20 miles away. I don't know my neighbors.

I've been off the anti-depressants now for about 6 months and they have been some of the hardest months of my life. I don't want to go back on medication. Medications really only make life mildly tolerable - but tolerable at least. Last time things got worse on medications, that's why I stopped taking them. I started having regular panic attacks - when I'd only had them twice in my entire life. The doctor kept upping the dose and I keep falling further into the black. I can't keep going like this. Every single effort to do anything at all shouldn't feel like a terrible strain. I've been in counseling. I hated it. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor about trying a different medication... But perhaps I am simply ridiculously unhappy. There's no pill for that. And I have very few good reasons to be this ridiculously unhappy. So why am I?

Disclaimer 2: In case all of this sounds extreme and you're thinking I should be committed to the behavioral health hospital I work at, save your breath. I am not kill-myself crazy. I like being alive, it's just dealing with life that depresses me. People depress me, disappointments depress me. Unfortunately life is full of both. For some people, Ups outnumber the Downs... but I sure wish that was true for me.

Can't there be some happiness for me?
Not in Nottingham...


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I cannot BELIEVE this is happening again!



My patience wears thin...

For those of you following my on-going health saga - there are new developments. To those of you who don't care to read about my lady problems & the hell that is my life because of them - this is your cue to stop reading. You have been warned...

------------------

So I am now almost 7 months post-op and guess what... If you guessed my bleeding problem has returned, you guessed right. You win nothing. Sorry.

You know what else? It never really fully stopped. It slows down to close to nothing and then sometimes it even stops for a few days - but it always came back. There's no rhyme or reason to it. There's no stopping it. And now it is again growing to a problem of epic proportions. It was manageable before. It would get bad with too much physical exertion or stress. But now? We're back to square one: pre-op style bleeding. I've been this way for a month now. A MONTH! Come on...

If you are wondering if I've bothered to go to my doctor, the answer is yes. And guess what else... there's nothing she can do for me. She shrugged her shoulders & said "we can try birth control pills..."

No. Lady... the problem is that I'm not functioning normally somehow and you want to give me pills that by their VERY DESIGN are intended to jack up the natural order of things in there? ARE YOU STUPID?!? I did allow another round of large doses of hormones in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding. Just like last time, all that did was make me sick... I think it even made it worse. I had this episode 2 weeks ago where I was fairly certain that my insides were going to fall out. It was a pain that I have never experienced before - and I've had some pretty severe pain with this before. This time, the pain in my stomach was so bad it began shooting down my legs and into my feet. It woke me out of a dead sleep. The "medical professionals" tell me what I experienced was just like labor pains. Except, labor eventually stops - this hasn't really. And at the end of labor you have this cute little thing to play with and hold and raise until it's old enough to care for itself... They say that the love and happiness a mother feels toward her newborn infant after it's born makes her forget just how awful and excruciatingly painful an experience child birth was for her. Isn't that nice? That nature would do that for us? What did I do to piss off nature??? With this I have the complete opposite of that - I have nothing. I get the pain, with no bundle of joy as a result. I don't even have anyone to hold my hand.

Do you know what this has done to me? I can't even have a life. Can you even begin to fathom it? I get so mad when I hear women complain about their once a month periods... "Oh! Once a month I'm bloated, moody and bleed for 7 days! I won't let my husband touch me! It's so terrible! POOR ME!!!"

Oh, really? You think that makes you hardcore? You think THAT'S terrible? Do you know what I would do for a normal cycle? I would do some things I'd not be proud of afterward. That's what... TRY BLEEDING HEAVILY FOR 6 STRAIGHT MONTHS!!! Take your measly 7 days, multiply your symptoms by like - a zillion - then add on some constant labor pains, anemia, dehydration, chronic fatigue and - oh! Try to hold down a full-time job at a hospital while you're at it!

And that husband? You can forget about having one of those. Unless he's got a strange blood fetish, you're gonna be alone. In fact, you don't even get to date. Nobody wants to date a bleeder, I don't care how wonderful a personality you have. You can also add in some constant worry about whether or not this means you'll never even be able to have children of your own - THEN remember that it doesn't matter because no man wants to be with a constant bleeder. You experience all that without killing yourself, THEN you can come commiserate with the big girls.

I have no idea what to do - I just want my life back. I'm so completely and totally done with this... I vent about it online because no one wants to listen to me complain about this in my real life. In fact, the internet probably doesn't even want to hear me complain about this. It's terrible. How awkward of a topic is this? Yet it consumes my entire life. Most people look at me like I'm crazy when they ask me what's wrong and I tell them the truth. So I've become a pro at faking "fine"...

"Hey! How are you, Heather?
"Fine!"
Because you don't really want me to answer that question, Random Person!

I'm just done... I don't know what to do. I've changed my diet (several times). I've tried all the natural remedies I could come up with. I'm losing weight - the general consensus of my team of "medical professionals" is that this is happening to me because I'm fat. I think they are full of shit - but I'm doing Weight Watchers to prove them wrong. Other than that they just shrug their shoulders at it and me... Don't know... don't know what's causing it, don't know what to do about it. Sorry!

So this is just it I suppose... 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Her Hair!

I love it! 
I also thoroughly enjoyed the dancing in this video.

Music for the Morning

Life imitates art - or vice versa...

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Saturday, February 16, 2013

Perspective

Perspective.

Sometimes we need a new one. I sure did today & it came in the form of a song - as it so often does. The verse and chorus I've quoted for you below hit me like a rock on the highway as I was driving home from work this morning.

Then all of the sudden, my problems began to seem so small.


Music for the Morning

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that's so wide
it swallows you whole

While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back



Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out - love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else...
Seem so small. 

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Current Obsession:

Music for the Morning
{well - its morning to me at least. night shift - nuff said}

Current Obsession: 
P!nk's new album The Truth About Love
I've always loved P!nk & her music - she's gotten me through some bad times and some good ones. I have to admit though - this album title boasts a hefty claim. The truth about love? I was hoping to gain some insight into the subject... I didn't. 

Oh well.






Thursday, January 31, 2013

Dear Spammers:

STOP TRYING TO POST SHIT ON MY BLOG!!!

Man is that ever annoying. No. I will not post your comment with a link to your work from home, casino online, etc "blog". You get no free advertisements here. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I'm sorry to my devoted readers - but I'm afraid I'm going to have to either stop allowing comments to be posted on my blog or do the damn CAPTCHA thing. Neither of those options please me. But these spammers are out of control. BLOW'in up my inbox, people. And every single one pisses me off. Which isn't good for my anxiety. So...

Oh look - as I was typing another one arrived!


GO TO HELL SPAMMERS! 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I think...

I think if I could have any job in the world, I'd want to be an old time Saloon Girl... Or maybe just play one in a movie. Yes, that sounds like a much better idea.

Music for the Morning



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