Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Can't there be some happiness for me? Not in Nottingham...

You poor neglected blog readers... I'm sorry for my lack of posts. I'm a terrible blogger, really. I have not been feeling very inspired to write lately. Well that's not entirely true - I've had about a million things that I've wanted to blog about, but haven't really been able to form a coherent paragraph about any of them. My head is a wreck. I have about 10 post drafts that will likely never get posted. As for what's new in my life - everything and nothing. My main concern at the moment is My Moods. That's what this post is all about. I've been holding it in for so long, I just have to let it out...

People ask me why I choose to talk about such terrible topics on my blog. It makes me vulnerable, they say. "What will people think...?" Who cares? They're all crazy in their own little ways too. I've got the guts to talk about my crazy. I think it makes me brave - because I'm willing to tell you, God and everyone else that happens to stumble across this blog the things about me that aren't that pretty. We all have those parts of us. We'd likely be better off for exposing them. I find that talking about not-so-popular topics openly here in this space helps me reach the people out there who have no one to talk to. It helps my loved ones to understand me better - and it helps me to weed out the people in my life who I may value as better friends than they really are. (At least, those that take the time to read my blog, of course.) You see, the Fair Weather People go running when they find out that you have "issues". I am giving those people an easy out.

So here's the disclaimer:
This post is about Depression and other unstable moods. If you don't want to read it, you can just stop right now and move on to the next Facebook half-naked girl photo, blog hop, giveaway or money-saving tips blog post. If you'd prefer to learn a bit about the world from a depressed person's view, I invite you to read on... And if you have something you want to get off YOUR chest, please comment away!

I am moody. This comes as no surprise to those who have spent any large amount of time with me. But it's not the normal type moody everyone experiences. Mine is an entirely different type of moody. As a teenager I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. It only got worse as I grew into adulthood. As I approached my late twenties, an official Anxiety Disorder diagnosis was added into the mix. I have been on and off several anti-depressants and anxiety medications through-out the years. Inevitably, I get to a point where I want to stop taking medications. I stopped taking anti-depressants most recently back in November and have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. This is probably the worst it's ever been - and I've had my fair share of emotional roller coasters. Right now I can feel myself shutting down, I am absolutely no fun to be around. I have to force myself to care enough to go to work everyday.

It takes a continual, conscious, utterly exhausting effort on my part to keep from falling back into the black hole of deep depression. But if you know me, you might not know it. You see, I am brilliant at hiding from people. I spent the first large chunk of my life hiding my moods behind a fake smile. If you aren't paying close attention to what I do or say, you may miss it. I hide it because I don't want to talk about it. My Moods irritate me. I'm Up, I'm Down. One hour, one day, one week or one month I may be Up. It is much easier to do anything when I'm Up. But when the Down comes I move into far more complicated territory. (Hint: If you ever ask me how I'm doing and I say "fine", I'm really not "fine" at all. "Fine" is my code word for "I'm not ok but I'm not going to talk about it unless you make me".)

I am also a disordered eater. When I'm Down I over-eat, when I'm Up I typically under-eat. Working overtime and spending little time at home alone helps counter-act that - but it also contributes to a harder "crash" when the Up runs out. Far too much or far too little - like everything else in my life - food is either far over or under-consumed, depending on my Mood.

Right at this moment I am not exactly close to anyone, by proximity, emotionally, physically or otherwise. I talk to people at work, but I don't really let anyone into my own personal Little World. I don't invite people over - I live so far away from everything and everyone - they wouldn't come anyway. This is by my own design I suppose - even if it was something that I didn't really intend to do. Unconsciously I have spent the past several years blocking people out of my life and trying to deter them from wanting in. I have become somewhat reclusive. People think they know me, but really, they only know what I want them to know about me. And they only know that because I post stuff on Facebook (a lot) and my blogs (sometimes). My nearest friend - proximity wise - is at least 20 miles away. I don't know my neighbors.

I've been off the anti-depressants now for about 6 months and they have been some of the hardest months of my life. I don't want to go back on medication. Medications really only make life mildly tolerable - but tolerable at least. Last time things got worse on medications, that's why I stopped taking them. I started having regular panic attacks - when I'd only had them twice in my entire life. The doctor kept upping the dose and I keep falling further into the black. I can't keep going like this. Every single effort to do anything at all shouldn't feel like a terrible strain. I've been in counseling. I hated it. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor about trying a different medication... But perhaps I am simply ridiculously unhappy. There's no pill for that. And I have very few good reasons to be this ridiculously unhappy. So why am I?

Disclaimer 2: In case all of this sounds extreme and you're thinking I should be committed to the behavioral health hospital I work at, save your breath. I am not kill-myself crazy. I like being alive, it's just dealing with life that depresses me. People depress me, disappointments depress me. Unfortunately life is full of both. For some people, Ups outnumber the Downs... but I sure wish that was true for me.

Can't there be some happiness for me?
Not in Nottingham...


2 comments:

  1. Have you read Hyperbole and a Half's latest post on depression? She explains her depression in a somewhat amusing fashion (if it weren't such a serious topic): http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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    Replies
    1. I had not seen that, thanks so much for sharing it with me. She pretty much hits the nail on the head...

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