For as long that I can remember I have battled depression, fought and repressed anxiety, and been in constant battle with myself - thus creating my own little personal mental hell. You wouldn't know this unless you knew me really well. You may think you DO know me well - but there are very few people who actually do. I'm careful about who I let in. I like to hide "me". I hide from opening myself up to others, rather well in fact. Those who get too close I often push away. And those who approach me with a genuine interest in knowing me, I frequently attempt to scare off quickly. Some of you persist - and I love you for it...
Very few people have been allowed to see who I really am. I knew from a very early age that people were cruel, mean and sometimes down right nasty. I had a hard time deciphering between the good ones and the bad ones - at the time. So I simply avoided them all. Now I am better at deciphering, but I still avoid them all. Old habits die hard I suppose.
I do this because my conversations - with everyone - inevitably turn to my weight and how I need to lose some of it because it most certainly can't be good for me. You're just concerned for me... right? Like being overweight is a death sentence. (contrary to popular opinion - it's not. fat people live to ripe old ages too. skinny people become diabetics, people who are slim also have knee replacements, hip replacements and any other ailment that is commonly termed a "fat disease".) I've only had two friends in my life who didn't try to change me - but gently encouraged me to be the best person I could be. Two.
This past weekend I asked myself a very important question... At what point in my life did I allow someone else's opinion of me to outweigh my own? And who was this person anyway? I can't even remember - I don't know if the person ever even existed or if it was just "society as a whole" that I felt was against me. Because they are. Fat people are second class citizens. We get judged before we say a word. We are labeled as undisciplined, stupid and just plain lazy. But I realized that I actually really like who I am - so why on earth am I hiding? Why am I allowing other people to dictate my happiness?
It mostly has to do with my weight.
Well let me tell you a little story... I've been fat all my life. That's right - I said FAT. We all need to stop being so scared of that word. It is arguably one of the most taboo words in American culture. No one wants to ever become that dreaded word - fat.
"Ohhhh my GAWD I ate a cupcake! I better do an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill!"
No. Eat your goddam cupcake and don't apologize for it.
Fat isn't a bad word - it's a descriptive word. Like tall, fair, sharp and new. I reject society's attitude toward me and all the other fat people in the world. I realize that I've managed to put off basically everything important in life until I "lost some weight" because everyone always told me I wouldn't be able to do anything until I "got some of that weight off..."
Hey - guess what... I've accomplished quite a lot with all this extra weight on and I'm not going to keep waiting to live my life until I reach some unrealistic ideal of myself. 32 years is long enough to wait. I've always been fat, I've never been skinny - but what I have always been is HEALTHY. All of my vitals are normal, I am not a diabetic, or even a borderline diabetic.
"You'd be such a pretty girl if you just lost a little weight...." I can't tell you how many times I've heard this through-out my life. Guess what... I'm a pretty woman now. And a few extra pounds doesn't change that.
I can't even really pinpoint the time in my life at which this disordered thinking started. But for some reason last weekend it really hit me like a brick to the head that I was being my own worst enemy. Why on earth would I treat myself that way?
After much pondering and introspection - I have decided that I don't care anymore.
Today I end a lifelong battle with myself. Not in the future when I fit into smaller clothes. Not when I finally have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect living situation and the perfect family. I start living for me today. Today I start being comfortable in my own skin. I don't remember a time when I wasn't on a diet or planning my next diet.
Where has it gotten me?
Nowhere but fatter.
So I quit. Today I embrace me. The good AND the bad.
And there's plenty of both...
Who am I?
I'm whiney, messy, moody and can get a little out of control. I can be selfish and I can be overly generous. I hate to clean and cook - unless I'm in the mood for it - and I'm always late for everything. ALWAYS.
I'm creative, brilliant, stylish, beautiful, dedicated, fascinating and excellent at writing things that make you feel... My pluses outweigh my minuses but most people don't wait around to see. They judge the outer package.
Good riddance to all those people. I have finally discovered the truth: I never needed people like you anyway...