Thursday, July 19, 2012

A house fly is trying to murder me.



There's a fly in my bedroom. 


He's a TOTAL asshole. I think he hates me. But I should be the one hating him - it's MY BEDROOM!


He keeps landing on my forehead so I will smack myself repeatedly in the forehead as I try to kill him. 


I imagine he's one of those flies that says stuff like "why ya hittin' yourself?" every time he does it. Like an annoying uncle. Or big brother or sister. Because that's exactly the kind of stuff asshole flies would say, right? But only they'd say it in whatever language flies speak. 


I also suspect that he plans to choke me in my sleep tonight. He's a very condescending fly. 

Which may be self defense because in all fairness, I was trying to kill him first. But I think there's a statute of limitations on the whole self defense thing. Though statute of limitations might not be the right phrase to use here. I've been watching too many episodes of Drop Dead Diva on NetFlix...


But my point is that if he waits until I am defenseless to kill me, then it would be premeditated murder. And no one would ever believe that a fly killed me so I'm telling you all now. If I die of asphyxiation in my sleep tonight - check my throat for flies. 


OH MY GOD HE'S A SUICIDE ASPHYXIATION ASSASSIN! 


Also - I think that panicking about murderous flies is probably commonplace when you've had abnormally massive amounts of blood loss from your vagina. At least, I hope so. If I die from massive amounts of blood loss, also blame the fly. Even though that part wasn't his fault. 


But take him to trial quick, I heard somewhere that flies only live 24 hours. 


But back to the vagina bleeding - that's been going on for exactly 34 days. That's too personal for a blog post? I no longer care. You try bleeding for 34 days and tell me how inappropriate my blog venting is. In fact, you try bleeding constantly for 34 days straight - from anywhere - and not murdering someone. For the last 6 days I have been unable to get out of bed for longer than an hour or so at a time. THAT's what bleeding for 34 days does to you too. And it causes complications with your crazy. As in, it makes your crazy worse.


Now, if anyone knows how to make vagina bleeding stop, I'm all ears. If not, I'm going to bed to meet my fate with the annoying uncle fly. Remember - check my throat for flies. 

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