Friday, December 7, 2012

let's get up to speed...

My life - SURPRISE - has been a mixture of strange and crazy lately.


The biggest news right now is that I've stopped taking my anti-depressants. I've been on Zoloft or some form thereof for the better part of 12 years. I can't really explain why I stopped taking them - because I don't really know. It felt like the right decision. They were clearly not helping - my depression and anxiety have been in a steady upwards climb for the better part of 4 years - with the medication.

I'm struggling at work because being on my feet 8 hours a day is causing far more pain than I can manage. I have to push though it though - because I need to work. When I get home from work I can barely move. My back, hips, feet and every muscle in my body are screaming at me in violent protest.

And exercise - are you kidding me??? There is no exercising. There is just eating, sleeping and working. And binge eating... I've recently realized that I am quite the binge eater and my triggers are numerous and daily. Stress, depression, working, coming home, being at home, being at work, being alone, being with others, etc, etc... All of the above and then some. I'm a nearly 365 day a year binger. There aren't many things that don't make me binge eat. And there are few things in life that make me happy other than sleeping and eating. Everything else causes pain. The food does too ultimately - but not nearly as much as the other parts of life. I feel no shame about it - though I should.

I'm struggling. Just writing this makes me want to go back to bed. With a nice big bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. Believe it or not though, I am better than I was on anti-depressants. I can feel things again - but I'm overly emotional. I think that's because I have 12 years of missed emotions to catch up on. My mood swings are rather violent and unpredictable but I'm learning to control them on my own. I get panicky about things that are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things - but that doesn't make them any less panic-inducing.

How do you handle your stressors? Have you taken anti-depressants in the past or are you currently? 

1 comment:

  1. Dang...I wrote a decent comment and I lost it. LOL antidotes here, but I'd hug ya if I could. You can keep the Cocoa Pebbles, and I'll keep the Cap'n Crunch !



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