I never really know what exactly may come out of my fingers when I sit down to blog.
Most bloggers have a plan, they have notes or thoughts already formed for their posts before they even sit down. They have lists... I rarely do that. If I do have a plan or a thought - I forget it by the time I sit down to type it up. Or I forget where I put the list...
But sometimes when I sit down to post, something inspires me & the blogging part of my brain works with my fingers and types out a beautiful, sorrowful, depressing or joyous post. Or maybe my posts are entirely incoherent and it's just that none of you are telling me... But until you tell me differently, I'll say each post is a work of art. It flows like a river and I sit here and watch it unfold on my screen. Almost like a part of me disconnects and I'm on the outside watching.
It may touch someone with my words. Or maybe nobody even reads them anyway...
As I sat down to begin this particular post, it started out a little something like this:
"I'm working throughout the holidays this year - with only a brief 4 days off for a quick trip to California for some Niece Time before heading back to work on New Year's Eve. I get to ring in the new year at the Behavioral Health hospital - since I work the overnight shift... Should be good times! It feels weird having to work through the holidays, even though I've worked most of the holidays for years - I usually don't have to be away from my family for both Christmas and New Years.
I just don't feel very Christmas-y this year.
Maybe one day I'll have a normal job with normal hours. But I doubt it...
So in an attempt to conger up some Christmas Spirit..."
And then I was going to give you a joyous Christmas song. But instead I ran into this one. It's a favorite of mine. But I'd never really listened to it. I mean, listen - listened to it.
I never read the comments on YouTube videos either. They typically consist of things like "OMG!!!! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER!!!" or some other completely ridiculous nonsense I don't care anything about...
But this morning - as I gnawed on a chicken wing for breakfast, unable to get a greasy finger free to click away from YouTube - my eyes fell upon this comment & it stopped me dead in my tracks:
And right at that moment I was overcome by emotions - both good and bad. Good emotions - as I remember how much I cherish being with my loved ones on Christmas.
The past few years I have spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house so that I can be there to see my niece's face when she first sees the presents stacked under the Christmas tree.
Bad emotions: I won't be there tomorrow morning and it feels absolutely terrible. I will be driving home from work - to a house full of sleeping dogs and a sleeping Senior Citizen as most families are sitting down to Christmas breakfast.
Lake is frozen over
Trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go
Before my family departed from our South Georgia home - a move that inadvertently changed our lives forever (how could it not?) - I'd spent the past few Christmas Eves at my best friend's house with her & her family. I have no children, Niece wasn't born yet and Christmas tends to lose a bit of it's magic when children aren't around.
It's been over 6 years since I've seen my best friends. The people I love and cherish the most are far away from me - and from each other. Which means I'll never be able to spend my holidays with all of them - together - again. I have my hockey friends here - but we have no hockey. We always celebrate the holidays together now - with hockey.
It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
Life changes, circumstances change, you have to leave behind people who are important to you. Sometimes the unimaginable happens - you lose a loved one, your parents split up, your world gets flipped over when you least expect it. Lock-outs cancel partial or entire hockey seasons.
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long
And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
I cherish those Christmas mornings of the past. Christmas mornings that weren't lacking one of my parents, Christmas mornings when I was able to hug my niece or stay up late watching movies with my best friends. Holiday Hockey. There will be more memories...
Oh, how I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, my love
But today I find it difficult to shake the sadness. I have no kids, no husband, no family of my own. 99.9% of the time that doesn't really bother me too much - to be entirely honest. But at Christmas... My niece is typically a pleasant distraction. I don't have time to think about it, dwell on it, mention it in blog posts...
I feel stranded sometimes - out here in this desert - not really here but definitely not gone. I may not be able to shake this funk today - or tomorrow. I may just be sad this Christmas.
But I suppose that's OK.
Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
You're a star up there
I have my memories - and my future.